Day 4 - when plans go awry or when Mother Nature is a bitch!!!

Well, yesterday did not go as planned. I hate making plans and then having them fall apart. I was supposed to go to the park and ride. I had my route already planned. Actually I had my whole evening planned. I was going to eat dinner before I left work. We have a subway in the building and that would work great. I did that, check first task accomplished. I went straight from work to the Wal-mart to get some groceries. Apparently you are what you eat and I determined that I was a big pile of crap. I decided that I should probably change my diet to something a tad healthier. I mean woman cannot live by Lean Cuisine alone and that was pretty much lunch and dinner. Lean pocket for breakfast, and could I have a side order of lazy ass with that. Ok, I admit it a significant lack of actual cooking. Whatever I never said I was a domestic goddess. Goddess, yes, domestic no. So, the next stop on my checklist was the Wal-mart to get the required healthy foods, you know fruits and vegetables. I got the brown rice and some chicken. Eggs, of course I will only eat the egg whites. Not so bad because I really don’t like the yolks unless they are fried and well that kind of defeats the whole eating better, and making myself healthier while I am getting ready for this road race…don’t be fooled they may call it that but this sistah is not racing. My goal is to stay on the bike, and remain conscious for the entire event. Ok, so I was able to get in and out of Wal-mart in 20 minutes. I am not sure that has ever been done. FYI grocery shop there on a Wednesday and you have no lines. Who knew? Get home. My next step is to put all the groceries away and get changed. I get this done. So, here we go out to the drive to put the bike rack on the car and the bikes on the bike rack. Jake has decided he is going and will be riding his bike while we are there. Everyone piles into the mom car and off to the park we go. I have these new Harley Davidson sunglasses. They have the yellow lenses so that when it is overcast it blocks the UV rays, but it also makes everything brighter. They are pretty cool. Anyway, I have these on and it looks just fine and then the rain starts falling. Just a little so I think we are fine. It is 73 degrees little sprinkle, no big deal. We get to the park and the little sprinkle gets harder and harder and Now it is only 68 degrees. Good lord what the hell is all that about. I stand outside of the car trying to decide if I should ride or not. It is only sprinkling and then the wind hits my bare legs that are wet. Hell no I am not riding. Now I am freezing. So, the trip to the park was a bust. It is now too late to go to the gym. Well shit, I hate nature. I did the only other reasonable thing you can in this situation. I got an ice cream and went home and sulked.

Day 3 - The Hell that is Spin Class

Ok, as you may or may not notice I am writing last nights post this morning. That is because somewhere between 5pm and bedtime my ability to actually process information and form sentences was temporarily terminated.

I was not able to go to the park last night to ride my bike. So, in my mind the next best option was going to the gym. I had seen they had a spinning class. “The Book” had referenced spinning classes. I mean the writer is a spin class instructor. So, I check my youngest into the kids club and I go upstairs to select a bike. I notice that everyone in there in holding an orange card. Ah, so you have to sign up. So, I go back down the stairs and get my orange card. Once I am up in the room, which I notice is rather warm. Confirm this because there is a thermometer on the wall. It says 80. Ok so we are apparently trying to simulate the great outdoors. Perhaps not having the music blaring would help with that, but whatever. Ok, so everyone seems to be pedaling 15 minutes before class starts. I guess we are warming up. I don’t want to look like a total dork so I start pedaling. Ok, this is not so bad. Just before class, about 5 minutes or so, Malibu Barbie walks in. She is the instructor. It is at this moment that I am starting to have second thoughts about the intelligence of participating in this class. But I am not a quitter. So, it is time for class to start. She cranks up the music. Oh, it wasn’t loud enough?! We have to have it at a level that now I can no longer hear a word she is saying through her Britney Spears headset. Off we go. Then she says up off the saddle. This means standup and pedal. I used to do that when I was a kid going up a hill. Ok, no problem. Yeah that was when I was 11. We have already established that I was mental at 11, what did I know about pain and stupidity. I think I was able to hold my butt off that saddle (bike seat) for all over about 30 seconds and I am being generous. Ok, so we will not be standing. I decide that if I am not standing, because I am a wuss, then I am going to tighten the little knob to make it harder. On and on this goes. Little Miss Sunshine keeps walking around the room and asking if everyone is doing great and should we tighten the little knob thingee one more turn. Screw you Barbie, you are not cycling you are walking. I can walk and smile. I made it 45 minutes before I had to throw in the towel. Now ultimately I pedaled my little heart out for 1 hour, which was my actual goal, but I did not make it through the whole class. I am ok with being a quitter.

I walk out of the room, now to a normal person this probably sounds very uninteresting, but you would be wrong. It was about 3 seconds out of the balmy beach pedaling room that I discovered my legs were not exactly working properly and I had minimal actual awareness of them being attached my body. My brain shifted into autopilot as a moved to the stairs. HOLY SHIT STAIRS!!! I have to descend them. I am not even sure I am actually controlling my legs any more at this point. Somehow I managed to get down. VERRRRY SLOWLY.

I decided that perhaps my days in spinning class might be numbered as in numbered to one. Well, at least for now. Maybe once I have been doing this a bit longer we can readdress the whole spin thing. For now I can spin at my own pace on the bikes in the main gym when I cannot ride my real bike. I never did manage to function properly for the rest of the evening. I am starting to think that my body decided it was no participating in the rest of my evening from that point forward. It was angry and honestly do you blame it

Day 2 and the discovery of riding shorts

Ok, so today was the first official day. I got home and ate some dinner. I changed into the festive little bike shorts. Ok, so let's establish something bike shorts are not like other lycra shorts. What sets them apart...ah the magic elephant size pull-up that has been stitched into the crotch. At first you are very aware of the maxipad from hell between your legs but eventually that goes away. We drove out to the park. Once you are on that bike seat you are kind of glad that you have a defensive barrier between you and that seat. Although I did find that this seat was far more comfortable than the seat that was on the hybrid bike I have. What else did I learn? The road bike was so much faster, and more fun to ride than the hybrid bike. It was wonderful. Ok, back to the seat and the shorts and the crotch. I started to wonder if you could get callouses on your butt. I mean I have a ped-egg for my feet and I seriously know I am not doing that to my ass. Not happening. I will live with callouses. Is that how that word is spelled? I don't care I am too lazy to look it up. I did discover where my "sit bones" were. The books word not mine. That doesn't take but about 5minutes to figure out. I may have lots of padding back there but unfortunately my neanderthal rock sitting butt doesn't having padding everywhere. I guess cave girl really wasn't thinkng about that since they just got fire and the wheel was a few years off. Probably didn't have a workshop. Anyway, when I got back from the ride I discovered the other big reason cyclists wear the maxi pad. My butt was soaked. All the water puddles that had splashed up onto my back side had been absorbed by my pants. I think possibly I could have absorbed a 32oz coke if I had spilled one. Now that is a vision. Sliding around on my behind soaking up a spilled beverage. Don't laugh I used a size 6 diaper to do just that in the dressing room of Dillard's Dump one day. Leak Guard ain't got nothing on Huggies.

So I was reading in my handy dandy book about using your butt muscles. Yes, somehow it all goes back to the butt. Push back into the seat and it will give you more power. I'll be damned if that didn't work. It was awesome. I had intended to ride for an hour or more. I made it 50 minutes, but not because I was too tired. I probably could have made a few more laps around the park, but I was watching the sun go down and thought I better not push it. I did about 10 miles. I wouldn't know how far I actually went since I am apparently brain damaged and didn't actually learn how to make that stupid little computer thingee on my bike work. I will have to discover how to do that tonight.

Well, I have new tires on the bike and new tubes. My bike rocks. I do need to get a new helmet. I think the mom helmet that I am wearing detracts from the sweaty bike rider mystique I am sure that I am striking at the park. OOOHH aren't you scared of me. I am scared of me. Let's just hope I can actually move in the morning without the aid of a walker.

Day 1

OK, so the other day I was asked if I wanted to do the 2-day Lone Star Ride Fighting AIDs. Ok, I can do that I have a bike. I can ride in this how hard can it be....hmmm how hard can it be? Well, next time I say that I am going to just go into the garage and get a hammer and smash one of my hands and then try and hand write the next great American Novel. That is how hard. So, I found out that you don't just jump on your bike and ride. You have to have a special bike. Now, special bike turns out to be that 10-speed we all got when we were kids in the 70's. (oh yes I forgot to mention that I am 40, out of shape and slightly overweight) So I do rememebr that lime green 10-speed the greatest bike in the universe. I loved that bike even though I crushed the enitre top of my right foot once on that bike because I kicked the fork holding the front wheel on. I had those old school flip flops. You know those big fat ones with layered colors that we all had in the 80's. Well, yes upon reflections this might not have been one of my finer decisions, but it was my decision. I probably have not ridden faithfully since that time in my life. So here I am getting ready to ride. A century on Saturday and I am sure just as many miles on Sunday. I am fully prepared to die on Monday. I did annouce that I am not sleeping in a tent Saturday night. I hear that is an option. For whom I ask? Someone with no nerve endings and heavy medication. I will be staying in the hotel. I am not ridiculous and stupid. Ok, so this weekend I went and bought a helmet. Apparently it is the law now. Whatever, I have decided that there are too many pussies in this world that is a for sure. We rode our bikes, no hands nine hundred miles an hour down the hill and we didn't wear helmets and we are just fine. Hell, I remember seeing my brother get hit by a car. He didn't have on a helmet. Of course for years I did think he had brain damage and then I realized it was just a teenage boy in puberty and they all act that stupid. So, I got the helmet. Not going to win any hair do contest in that thing. I finally figured out what they used for the helmet Princess Leia used in Return of the Jedi when she disguised herself as a bounty hunter. A bike helmet that has been spray painted. Mine is a lovely blue and white with a flower design. Tammye went onto the internet, Craigslist, and found me a road bike. A Fuji Ace and apparently that is a good bike. I got it a lot cheaper than what these bikes usually go for. Who the hell decided that your old faithful 10-speed should be $2000.00. Crack heads. But now apparently bikes are "specialer" than they used to be. These aren't the Target and Wal-mart bikes. I have learned those are hybrid and off road type bikes. Yes, you can be impressed now. Ok, so I have a helmet, a bike...I have a little odometer that keeps the time, tells me the temp. I can tell my speed and track my miles. If I can figure out how to get it to make my butt smaller and pedal for me I have scored. I will keep you posted on that. I got fancy shoes that you cannot use except to cycle, but that is no big deal. I have an entire closet of shoes that only go with one outfit, not much different than any of them. Of course none of those require special pedals cleats, but I will view that as the accessories. And last but not least I got a book so I could learn how to cycle. It was so much easier when I thought cycling was getting on and pedaling. But it did have a training plan for doing a century. I did not find the chapter directing you to local physicans for nerve pills and mental health providers. Maybe that will be in the sequel.

Ok, so I am adding the link to this blog because someone smart suggested I do that.
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=298715&lis=0&kntae298715=307E8D1269CE45379B617739F1950F81&supId=254575149

OK, if you want to sponsor me to help raise money you can use that link above. I have no idea how many people will ever see this, but some random drunk with nothing but infomercials to call his own may stumble upon it and feel charitable in his tequila haze.